Four Years of Struggle, Growth, and Unfinished Battles

Four years ago, I moved to a new country with a vision: to grow as a person, to be more social, and to bring out the best in myself. I imagined life on a bustling campus, filled with new friendships and experiences. But reality took an entirely different turn.

Instead of stability, I moved homes nearly 15 times. Instead of campus life, I was confined to a room, isolated by remote work and studies. I spent almost a year unemployed, struggling through two separate terms of joblessness. My first job in Canada? A night shift as a cleaner. My mental health? A constant battle, cycling through four major depressive episodes. But despite all this, I managed to push forward—I completed my studies with an excellent GPA, landed a job right after graduation, lost that job, but still fought my way to permanent residency. I endured another stretch of unemployment but navigated it better this time. Eventually, I found a job I truly enjoyed, but new pressures—marriage, relationships, self-worth—began to weigh me down.

Year 1: Isolation, Survival, and the First Fall

I arrived in Canada during the pandemic lockdown. With everything remote, making connections was nearly impossible. I took whatever job I could find—cleaning at Amazon on night shifts. It was exhausting. The workload of my fast-track program was already intense, and the isolation made it worse. Eventually, the stress broke me. Winter depression hit, and I had to quit my job, retreating to my cousin’s place in Windsor to recover. It was a reset—painful but necessary. With some stability, I focused on interviews, coding, and system design, grinding until I secured my first job.

Year 2: Success, But At a Cost

I joined Home Depot as a software engineer and moved back to Toronto. Excited but still working remotely, I put immense effort into making friends. I reached out, attended meetups, reconnected with old friends. But almost all my efforts failed. Work was demanding, and loneliness grew heavier. The isolation became unbearable, and after months of struggling, I resigned, choosing to return to India for a mental reset. Being with family helped—briefly. But soon, I was reminded of why I left. The same old constraints, the same unfulfilled feeling. I realized I had to return and face the battle head-on.

Year 3: Reality Hits Hard

When I quit my job, the market was booming. But by the time I returned to Canada, everything had changed. The job market had collapsed, and my momentum was gone. Interviews were scarce, rejections were frequent, and my living situation turned toxic. Once again, my cousin offered me a place to stay, helping me recover. I came close to landing a job twice, but things fell apart at the last moment. Just as hope was fading, my previous employer reached out. They needed help post-restructuring, and I got the opportunity to lead a project alone. It was challenging but rewarding. I built confidence, and things were finally stabilizing—until they let me go again. A contract employee in a tough job market, I found myself back at square one.

Amidst all this, I experienced dating for the first time. It was new, exciting, and for a while, it felt like things were falling into place. But when I lost my job again, my focus shifted to survival, and the connection I had built faded. I moved into a shared house, hoping for more social interaction, but the environment was hostile.

Year 4: Finding Strength, Losing Control

This time, unemployment didn’t break me. I had EI benefits and a structured plan. But the job market was worse than ever. It took six months, but I finally secured a new job. I dove in completely, enjoying the work and even picking up Muay Thai for a while. Things felt good—until the pressures of relationships and marriage came crashing down. Getting older added to the pressure. I had lost all interest in arranged marriage but was struggling to find meaningful connections. I attended events, started conversations with strangers in cafes and libraries, and even got better at talking to people. Yet, every effort ended in rejection, disappointment, or silence.

Then came the breaking point—a severe flu in February. It shattered my momentum. I fell into a cycle of obsession over a particular type of partner, fixating on the idea that they were the right fit. The difficulty of finding someone turned this into an unhealthy obsession. I started getting triggered by simple things—seeing happy couples, dealing with rejection, or even random memories. The battle had evolved. Loneliness was no longer the only enemy; now, my own mind was turning against me.

Where Do I Go From Here?

The past four years have been a mix of struggles and growth, but I’m still here—standing strong with a job, ambition, and a deeper understanding of myself.

The path may not look like I imagined, but that’s what makes it exciting—I’m ready to create something even better!